What we don't know

of

the dreams

inside

Tao surfing

can

lead

to

dreams you didn't know you had

of

mysterious

magical

primal roots

Surfing the tao

So, there it is.

In a brief moment of three words,

everything changes,

flipside up!

In the approximate words............. when you don't know where to be,

take yourself to sleep in palaces, floors, sofas......... surf the tao!

"so that's what i'm doing" :)

Well that's okay then :)

Phew for a moment there, i'd been thinking

was in disaster.

AGAIN

but No!

i'm surfing life LOL.

That sounded and felt a whole lot better.

Though i wasn't sure if I should tell my Mum.

************************

But I was getting a vision, of surfing about, trying things out, seeing what might fit.

Ha ha, the shift from scary road to adventuring happened quite quickly.

I had a week cat sitting to discover what this freedom could mean. The cats were great, they ate, slept and kept me company whilst i made manic lists, freeflowing mind maps.

Tried to retrieve childhood dreams.

************************

Had been left a library ticket,

braved the winds and rain of the Wirral to check out my e mail and find helpful books.

Books, hmm, faithful friends, have always loved reading, the books I need just seem to catch my attention, soon scanned, put in my bag and I'm home before I know it.

*************************

I curl up with the Cats, feeling slightly unnerved by the enormity of another day,

let alone that of the past or future.

We all fall asleep in a muddle of dreams, limbs and bedding.

**************************

As the week progresses, my enthusiasm wanes and wobbles,

ideas ebb and flow,

at times I feel almost demented with the intensity of all the brain thinking flows.

Positivity is winning though there are still scary moments..............

like contacting old friends,

remembering I have to return to my life,

living with two Greek strangers who offered me a room.

****************************

Returning to the Northern University city,

don't feel quite so brave or courageous,

it's February, cold, chillings winds and sleet.

When I finally reach home, cursing the loss of my car,

the greeks are cursing each other.

Emotional dramas unfold noisily,

untidily trespass onto the tightrope in my mind.

Retreating to my room,

I am visited by each in turn confiding in me what is wrong with the other one!

I feel contendedly single, lol, not for the first time in my life.

******************************

There seems to be something about relationships that mutates ordinary people into controlling manipulative idiots as soon as they are in their particular "drama" of relationship.

When you "stay" with couples, it is a fascinatingly detached birds eye view of the "two" of them. I studied Psychology and Counselling in the 90's, additionally, trying to help my self with relationships I had also unfolded some aspects of myself with therapists.

*************************************

In the time of having no place of my own,

it was a privilege to live with more than 50 different people.

A fast track close to many different lifestyles, philosophies and expressions of being a human.

As you are only "passing through" so to speak,

it is possible to observe from quite a detached space

against the intimacy of the day to day living.

Almost akin to living in reality TV of the Big Brother ilk.

No off button though!

surfing the tao!

The words rushed off the page,

just like waves, whoosh, smack!

"Surfing the Tao".

A phrase new to me,

written by The Barefoot Dr, thanks Doc :)

**************************

There are memorable moments in this thing known as Life, that is one of my Ah'ha's.

Such an apt description of whatever this thing called my life is.

There aren't that many complementary phrases or words for an un-settled kinda restless life.

Sniffy people call it "colourful".

Dreamy folks say oh, "going with the flow huh?".

Jealous people say, "oh it's alright for YOU"

as if you are deliberately living your own life just to annoy them?

Mean people say " it'll all end in tears".

Parents say, "Bohemian free spirit",

sounds romantic and dishevelled doesn't it?

I do a good number with dishevelled, though rarely public, but romantic

Na ah.

*****************************

Surfing the Tao, yes that is it.

Winging through, ever the optimist, as bi polar as the next person,

quickly sad but soonest forgiving,

memory like an Elephant though........ never forget,

yet don't hold grudges at all...........

*******************************

surfing the tao.....

*******************************

synergising all inside with the all on the outside,

re-callibrated from the experience and onto the next chapter.

As I stood reading the paragraph,

surfing the tao turned out to be

what to do when you don't know what you want, specifically, housing.

There I stood, 49 years on this planet & technically homeless for 8months,

the first time really.

Up until those words came, it felt and actually was pretty grim,

draining and not fun being seemingly only one false move away from the vulnerability of living on the streets.

It was so tiring,

half your time is spent ensuring somewhere to stay the night;

the other half unconvincingly reassuring everyone that you are fine!

Of course being white single female and homeless gets you nowhere with the State so there is no safety net.

Every time you move

a new 86 page form has to be filled in,

you soon realise what a waste of time and trees that one is!

******************************

To be completely lost in your own life is too scary for most of your friends.

Already a bit scared ( and a bit exhilarated )

I mostly stayed away from the scared ones not wishing to become extremely scared by their unfolding dramas of my situation.

Life had been dismantling for some years, disatisfaction, knowing inside living the wrong life, woes and malcontent had arrived and become a greedy lodger.

Nobody who knew me could have failed to notice.

******************************

Some helped unhelpfully, others helped helpfully,

all were extremely kind and intended to help as they would wish someone would help them,

if they were ever in such a catastrophe.

Of course most knew, they never would be.

When I first became "homeless",

it was a huge relief, end of a chapter, end of massive stress.

It's more than 3 yrs ago,

maybe now am about to have my own place for a year.

It was the end of a chapter,

the last one in a book of my life,

Now is book two.

I had no ideas, just knew I didn't want or need anymore of what had been before.

Life had to change, i knew I would change too and that appealed,

it could be challenging and interesting too!

Surfing the Tao,

yes

that was it,

I would surf the path, take each day as it came,

let go of all the OMG's and What ifs.

I could do that or at least i could learn how,

that i just knew more than anything else.

I also knew it was fait acompli!

this was actually a real opportunity,

a chance to start over.

I was reading that book, Feb 2006, on my first day of a Cat sit. Thanks Alison,

blogger, lostinaworldofcats.blogspot.com.

How marvellously magical life is at times :)