Finding E
****
She said ......she hated me growing inside of her,
she gave birth to me,
fell in love with me,
then had to say goodbye ............
I was a few weeks old.
My entire life changed, destined or just happened? Who can know? But, it did happen. Perhaps it is only near the near the end of life, maybe in old age, we can truly reflect on it's true big picture and say, this or that event, time, person was good for me or someone else or not?
The way I see my life changes as I age & experience more, slotting in the new information with the awareness of my right here & now and the "been there a while".
A sign of ageing maybe, that the here & now seems to matter more than back then or tomorrow.
There was a time when the past & the future consumed me.
Before I met her mostly.
The way we are is unique, as is what happened in my life & to me after we met.
I learned to be truly grateful for all the lessons that my life experience has gifted me.
I came to know my blessings.
Learned more facets of the diamond of truth.
It was a rich time, a mirror close up, technicolour wham bam.
A jumble of too much, not enough, release & expectations, laughter and tears, frustration & sadness, anger & pain, fun & girly, real and unreal.
Surreal.
Genes can be expressed in taste in music, your same curtains, your introspections on life, your sense of fun & issues.
On the exterior, we were acutely different, yet astonishingly, to me and my colleagues some of whom were psychologists who also struggled with my view of our likeness, I seemed so like her underneath, the me I knew so well & few others knew.
I began to realise that i wasn't only this person my parents had raised, there was more of me that hadn't been brought out so far & there she was being some of it.
Your Mother has a unique smell, her aroma, it is stored in your memory.
As i cast my eyes onto her face in the seconds after we met again, after 30yrs, we fell into a hug .. an embrace, a reconnection, it lasted for for a long time, we both wept silent tears, rivers of them; her smell was intoxicating and so familiar I felt peaceful & safe. That I have no words to tell how that felt, may tell you, it was a profoundly transcending experience ie beyond the capacity of my mind to process.
It seems that way.
I had never any memory of feeling safe, except that one buried in time, back before we went separate ways.
Life could only change from our meeting.
Both of our lives.
For better or worse?
Only time can tell.
Je ne regret rien today.
